Day 8

I have been immersing myself within meetings and I actually like them. I even — wait for it — am enjoying women’s meetings. Who the fuck am I?

A few topics have been brought up in meetings which have made me think “Holy fuck I am right where I am supposed to be” or “Jesus Christ are they reading my fucking mind?” I so badly wish I didn’t have such a potty mouth but I am not fucking perfect.

Anyways, the three topics on the top of my mind are:

1. Service

Now I just recently saw 50 Shades of Grey and so when the topic of being of service was brought up, my mind — which is always in the gutter — immediately went to that movie and being of service in the bedroom… I’ll stop now. Anyways, once I got my mind out of the gutter (briefly) I thought about service or being of service and what that means. Now, two things 1. I am really great at delegating tasks and 2. I am really great at having people be of service to me. Basically I am not great at being of service to others. However, that’s not the point. The point they were trying to make is that in being of service or helping others to maintain and/or achieve sobriety you are inadvertently helping yourself to be your best self. Your best sober self. My fellow alcoholics it’s as simple as ask not what your country (or fellow peers) can do for you, ask what you can do for your country (or fellow peers).

2. Honesty

This one definitely struck a cord. I recently had to get brutally honest with myself. In order to be honest with others you have to first and foremost be honest with yourself. No matter how shitty humbling it is. I was finally ready to be honest with myself and that is the most important thing so far for me in sobriety because it led me to finally admit that I had problem. Something I was seemingly avoiding or denying previously.

3. Fellowship

I think what I was missing so much in my previous stint with recovery was some sense of community. I would go to meetings sure but I didn’t really befriend anyone. I didn’t become part of a sober community and I definitely feel as though I had my guard up. Now I am taking a different stance and starting to do things with other sobers. Surrounding myself not only in the rooms but in my life with people who are so much like me has made me happier. And also not alone. I started to feel so alone and to isolate myself so much and it was hard for me to get my ass off the couch but now that I have I am grateful. I’m not going to like everyone (mainly because I’m still an asshole) but at least I am trying to be a part of something rather than to attempt to do it alone.

till we meet again….

stay sober my friends.

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Sober Super Bowl (and also 199 days and counting).

Twas the night before Super Bowl and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a – just kidding I have three animals and they are all fucking insane and drive me crazy and are always stirring and running around and staring at me. But anyways, (that escalated quickly and I have no idea why I started off like that) … moving on — it was my first Super Bowl without alcohol (not counting the first twelve Super Bowls I ever watched which happen to be within the first 12 years of my life). So let’s just say it was my first Super Bowl that I can remember without alcohol.

And actually Good Lord lo and behold I made it through the entire football season sans alcohol. Awful Chargers football, innumerable beer commercials, living across the street from a liquor store, Chargers football – I mean I must have some really bad karma.

Anyways I did it.

Cue the fat lady because the football season is over, I’m still sober and she can fucking sing.

But back to the Sober Super Bowl. The Super Bowl in which I was sober. My sober Super Bowl. Just saying it different ways makes me proud.

Now if you are like my girlfriend and don’t like sports (mainly anything with balls – she is a lesbian after all) I guess think of the Super Bowl as a celebration in which there are lots of friends and food and drinks… Or, if you are from a different region in which football isn’t important equate it to soccer (in terms of alcohol consumption not importance). Well needless to say it was slightly difficult for me. Throw in the fact that we went over to her friend’s house and watched the game. It was all her friends (who I adore and not just cause they might read this) and me. Now just being in that situation in which I am outnumbered friend wise (and all friends of hers who don’t necessarily really enjoy watching sports but were watching the Super Bowl mainly for the commercials) provoked a little anxiety. It wasn’t them, again I truly do adore them, it’s just that sometimes I have a hard time relaxing and alcohol has always been my relaxant in situations in which I found myself not super comfortable or in my element. And I was a little out of my comfort zone.

So I did that which comes as second nature to me – I ate until I couldn’t have one more bite without needing to be rolled down the stairs and home. One cupcake turned into two. One piece of pizza. Four chocolate chip cookies. Two ginger ale sodas. About 50 chips smothered in five layer dip. (My mouth is watering just reminiscing about the food). I need to get better about not overeating in the absence of alcohol and I keep telling myself and readers that but I still am having some self-control issues. It could be an oral fixation.

But anyways, rather be fat than a drunk so I ate too much but I didn’t drink. The end.

Side note: If I was drinking I would have been quickly sobered up by the horrific thing that was the Nationwide commercial – good marketing in the sense that everyone can’t stop talking about it — but Jesus Christ after being hit in the face with that sob story of a commercial I felt like I needed a drink more than ever. The fucking kid died? Seriously. I don’t even have kids so I can’t imagine but wait he died? Did that just happen? I am never short on words (just ask anyone who knows me) but I couldn’t muster anything other than a gasp. Now you’re going to tell me Santa isn’t real. Wait what? And the Easter Bunny? COME ON! I did not see that one coming and it was awful.

Actually now that I think about it I’m so glad I wasn’t drinking during the Super Bowl because about half of the commercials were depressing. Death, obesity, dads not seeing their kids grow up cause they’re gone all the time – dear lord I need a cupcake now more than ever.

Thank god for Katy Perry’s boobs and the dancing sharks to lighten the mood. Shit, I didn’t need to drink I felt like I dropped acid by simply watching that halftime performance.

stay sober my friends.

grandma and me

Oh! Also my beautiful grandma turned 7o and we celebrated over the weekend. 70 never looked so damn good if you ask me!