Day 8

I have been immersing myself within meetings and I actually like them. I even — wait for it — am enjoying women’s meetings. Who the fuck am I?

A few topics have been brought up in meetings which have made me think “Holy fuck I am right where I am supposed to be” or “Jesus Christ are they reading my fucking mind?” I so badly wish I didn’t have such a potty mouth but I am not fucking perfect.

Anyways, the three topics on the top of my mind are:

1. Service

Now I just recently saw 50 Shades of Grey and so when the topic of being of service was brought up, my mind — which is always in the gutter — immediately went to that movie and being of service in the bedroom… I’ll stop now. Anyways, once I got my mind out of the gutter (briefly) I thought about service or being of service and what that means. Now, two things 1. I am really great at delegating tasks and 2. I am really great at having people be of service to me. Basically I am not great at being of service to others. However, that’s not the point. The point they were trying to make is that in being of service or helping others to maintain and/or achieve sobriety you are inadvertently helping yourself to be your best self. Your best sober self. My fellow alcoholics it’s as simple as ask not what your country (or fellow peers) can do for you, ask what you can do for your country (or fellow peers).

2. Honesty

This one definitely struck a cord. I recently had to get brutally honest with myself. In order to be honest with others you have to first and foremost be honest with yourself. No matter how shitty humbling it is. I was finally ready to be honest with myself and that is the most important thing so far for me in sobriety because it led me to finally admit that I had problem. Something I was seemingly avoiding or denying previously.

3. Fellowship

I think what I was missing so much in my previous stint with recovery was some sense of community. I would go to meetings sure but I didn’t really befriend anyone. I didn’t become part of a sober community and I definitely feel as though I had my guard up. Now I am taking a different stance and starting to do things with other sobers. Surrounding myself not only in the rooms but in my life with people who are so much like me has made me happier. And also not alone. I started to feel so alone and to isolate myself so much and it was hard for me to get my ass off the couch but now that I have I am grateful. I’m not going to like everyone (mainly because I’m still an asshole) but at least I am trying to be a part of something rather than to attempt to do it alone.

till we meet again….

stay sober my friends.

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Day 1

If this post can be summed up in one sentence it is: “Fuck, fuck, fuck but today is a new day.”

I would have been celebrating over 7 months of sobriety but truth be told I lasted 5 months was miserable and started abusing a substance other than alcohol. I was lying to myself that I was still sober and could claim sobriety because I wasn’t drinking. Wrong. So I’m back to square one. Day 1.

I have been talking about my reluctance with AA but it’s no surprise that as I started to get involved in the program I started to get real with myself and that resulted in me getting real with where I was at with sobriety. Or my lack thereof. I started to feel like a fraud especially as I immersed myself more within the program. So I came clean (insert funny pun about coming clean and being clean) to my partner and my sponsor and it was very humbling to say the least.

I always heard about people being dry drunks and I didn’t really know what that I meant. I truly do believe that the five months preceding my relapse I went through lots of highs and lows of being happy or sad and isolated and I came to a point where I was miserable. People in AA would say its because I wasn’t working my program. Truth is I didn’t have a program. I was trying to do it by myself and I failed. It sucks. It sucks mainly because like all other people struggling with addiction I am a control freak and the fact that I couldn’t control and keep a handle on my own sobriety pisses me the fuck off. Deep breath. Breathe.

I was yearning for change and I didn’t want this anymore. Despite still not being entirely sober I sought out AA a few weeks ago and found a sponsor. Instead of going into the meetings and hearing stories and saying “well I’m not that bad” I began to find similarities in shares. I feel like my attitude has changed in regards to sobriety. 7 months ago I was upset and I knew I needed a change I was just fighting it. Be sober? Forever? I’m going to be so boring. But as I look around in the meetings I go to I realize people struggling with addiction are fucking funny and people I would hang out with sober. I truly do believe I have a different mindset going into sobriety than when I did before. Mainly being that I am happy and willing to do what it takes to stay sober.

And so I admit it. Step 1 and done. And admitting this is hard. But I have finally admitted it and I am ready to move forward with sobriety and all the highs and lows that come with it. I’m ready to be honest. I’m ready to be honest with you. But most importantly I am ready to be honest with myself.

stay sober my friends.

215 Days

I have been a little off the grid lately in the blogosphere and its large due in part to the fact that I have been extremely lazy busy. I’ll open my computer to write but the TV or wall just looks so much more appealing to stare at.

I have been kind of isolating. Isolating away from people and isolating away from my own sobriety in a sense. Not that I have taken a drink but I just have not been actively involved in any sort of sober community — blog or otherwise. I have, however, been fully involved in watching movies and binge watching Scandal, House of Cards and The Walking Dead. Clearly I always have some sort of addiction. I will not, however, seek help for my binge watching.

But anyways, I also don’t have any sober friends to talk to — other than my animals who are great listeners but really shitty at giving advice — seeing as they don’t talk and all.

While I have attended and gone to AA meetings (and actually found that I really liked them) I stopped for a couple months. I don’t really know why other than the fact that I am again extremely lazy busy.

I have found myself struggling with sobriety as of late whatever the reason may be. Was I getting depressed or down? I don’t know, maybe. Was it because I wasn’t going to meetings? I don’t know.

During a beautiful day (mind you nearly everyday is beautiful here) I found my mouth watering as we passed a beach bar thinking about what I drank last when I was there (before I blacked out after the Del Mar races of course). An ice cold Ketel Soda sounded so damn good. The fuck? There was a time in my life where I only drank Ketel/Soda (I know I’m so cool) but for years beer has been my favorite so why the fuck does a Ketel sound good? Instead of continuing to debate as to why I’m craving one over the other I decided to surround myself with other sober people.

Now, you don’t typically find sober people out at bars and I didn’t feel like asking random people walking down the street if they are sober so the only place I could think to find other sober people is AA.

However, this time around instead of just going for a good laugh, some ‘a ha’ moments and to just be surrounded by like minded individuals my intent shifted to finding a sponsor and actually getting involved with the program and the steps. Maybe this way sobriety would be easier and I could make more friends and have more of a support system. I don’t know.

I have been doing this on my own and I haven’t wanted to drink but its been difficult regardless. It’s so easy to be in my own head and isolate and get irritable or annoyed for no apparent reason. AA to me has been like group therapy. Make a long story short — I met an amazing woman who is now my sponsor (and who works in my same building and goes to the same yoga studio as me). Fate? Fucking weird.

I am still not sold on whether or not AA is for me. I now have a sponsor and am starting to go through the steps but I just don’t know. The verdict is still out. On one hand I can identify a lot with some aspects of the book and alcoholism and alcoholic nature/personality but not all. I don’t know how sold I am on it. I do agree, yes, being surrounded by other alcoholics is nice (unless they are drinking then its probably a bad idea) because you have a common desire to stop drinking. But, honestly after reading some of the book I became even more skeptical about it. It could be because I’m an asshole and like to argue everything and get so heavily involved in the semantics and literal sense of things. It could also be that I am fighting it. (For example the fact that they call it an allergy I had trouble with. But if I say I am allergic to alcohol I wake up in Mexico then I can make the point that yes I have an allergy to it.)

But, regardless of how much of an asshole I am — I can honestly say that I am going into it with an open heart and gonna go through all 12 steps. Once done, I will reassess and see if this is the path I want to take. For now, Step 1 done (I am powerless over alcohol and the affect it has on me) and 11 more to go. Go me go!

stay sober my friends.

What are your thoughts on AA? What has worked for you?

Sober Super Bowl (and also 199 days and counting).

Twas the night before Super Bowl and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a – just kidding I have three animals and they are all fucking insane and drive me crazy and are always stirring and running around and staring at me. But anyways, (that escalated quickly and I have no idea why I started off like that) … moving on — it was my first Super Bowl without alcohol (not counting the first twelve Super Bowls I ever watched which happen to be within the first 12 years of my life). So let’s just say it was my first Super Bowl that I can remember without alcohol.

And actually Good Lord lo and behold I made it through the entire football season sans alcohol. Awful Chargers football, innumerable beer commercials, living across the street from a liquor store, Chargers football – I mean I must have some really bad karma.

Anyways I did it.

Cue the fat lady because the football season is over, I’m still sober and she can fucking sing.

But back to the Sober Super Bowl. The Super Bowl in which I was sober. My sober Super Bowl. Just saying it different ways makes me proud.

Now if you are like my girlfriend and don’t like sports (mainly anything with balls – she is a lesbian after all) I guess think of the Super Bowl as a celebration in which there are lots of friends and food and drinks… Or, if you are from a different region in which football isn’t important equate it to soccer (in terms of alcohol consumption not importance). Well needless to say it was slightly difficult for me. Throw in the fact that we went over to her friend’s house and watched the game. It was all her friends (who I adore and not just cause they might read this) and me. Now just being in that situation in which I am outnumbered friend wise (and all friends of hers who don’t necessarily really enjoy watching sports but were watching the Super Bowl mainly for the commercials) provoked a little anxiety. It wasn’t them, again I truly do adore them, it’s just that sometimes I have a hard time relaxing and alcohol has always been my relaxant in situations in which I found myself not super comfortable or in my element. And I was a little out of my comfort zone.

So I did that which comes as second nature to me – I ate until I couldn’t have one more bite without needing to be rolled down the stairs and home. One cupcake turned into two. One piece of pizza. Four chocolate chip cookies. Two ginger ale sodas. About 50 chips smothered in five layer dip. (My mouth is watering just reminiscing about the food). I need to get better about not overeating in the absence of alcohol and I keep telling myself and readers that but I still am having some self-control issues. It could be an oral fixation.

But anyways, rather be fat than a drunk so I ate too much but I didn’t drink. The end.

Side note: If I was drinking I would have been quickly sobered up by the horrific thing that was the Nationwide commercial – good marketing in the sense that everyone can’t stop talking about it — but Jesus Christ after being hit in the face with that sob story of a commercial I felt like I needed a drink more than ever. The fucking kid died? Seriously. I don’t even have kids so I can’t imagine but wait he died? Did that just happen? I am never short on words (just ask anyone who knows me) but I couldn’t muster anything other than a gasp. Now you’re going to tell me Santa isn’t real. Wait what? And the Easter Bunny? COME ON! I did not see that one coming and it was awful.

Actually now that I think about it I’m so glad I wasn’t drinking during the Super Bowl because about half of the commercials were depressing. Death, obesity, dads not seeing their kids grow up cause they’re gone all the time – dear lord I need a cupcake now more than ever.

Thank god for Katy Perry’s boobs and the dancing sharks to lighten the mood. Shit, I didn’t need to drink I felt like I dropped acid by simply watching that halftime performance.

stay sober my friends.

grandma and me

Oh! Also my beautiful grandma turned 7o and we celebrated over the weekend. 70 never looked so damn good if you ask me!

124 days…

I’m not really good at Math — even simple things like addition and subtraction (unless I can count on my fingers) and so in an attempt to count my days of sobriety (during a client call — have I mentioned I have ADD?) I have come to the mathematical conclusion (without counting on my fingers) that I have 124 days of sobriety. I will double check the number in a bit but regardless of whether or not it’s off a day or two — that’s a really fucking long time.

Since my last post I have gone to three other business dinners — one of which lasted 3 (mother fucking) hours and where I fatefully was placed next to the new SVP of Human Resources. Side note: If anyone knows me you know I am not politically correct and cuss like a sailor and say inappropriate things and what’s on my mind so for me to sit next to any executives let alone a HR executive is like Russian roulette. And I was the only one not drinking except for the pregnant lady (but I think even she was drinking). Anyways, in addition to those dinners I have gotten through Halloween, my birthday, awful Chargers games, 24 hours with my eight-year-old brother who is my mini-me and would drive anyone to drink, my grandparents 35th anniversary with the whole family and all other days ending in day — sans alcohol. Whew. That was a lot. I have impressed myself.

I also am getting back into working out. I supplemented my lack of alcohol with an increase in junk food, and sugar and spice and everything else that does not make my ass look nice but I am feeling good again and am ready to get that six pack back (ok fine so I’ve never had a six pack — other than a six pack of beer — but I would like to one day have one and one that doesn’t have Bud Light in it).

I haven’t been much to write as of late as to be honest work has been kicking my ass. Our company got acquired and is in the process of merging and I got a new client and I’m not really great at dealing with stress (without an ice cold brew) so I kind of have hibernated from everyone and everything (see its not you, its me; really). I hope to get back into writing but I don’t see any end in sight as far as work is concerned from now until the New Year and since I am on the interwebs and a computer all day it’s the last thing I want to do when I am off. I would much rather do other activities that enrich my life like watch the Kardashians, watch 16 and pregnant and feel better about life, watch sports and continue to make up dialogue between my animals. Again, its a glamorous life I lead.

But anyways….

I am still sober… and now a year older!

stay sober my friends.

Michael and I

Week 1

Since Sunday I have been going to AA meetings. So far, most of these meetings have been compiled of a bunch of gay boys and then there’s me. The token lesbian. Needless to say, I stick out in my flannel shirt, cargo shorts and Birkenstocks (just kidding, I do not wear cargo shorts…yet). But anyways, everyone is so warm and inviting and gay men love boobs and, well, I have enough to go around. I’ve already been asked out on two dates. And, although the dates are with gay men and involve a meeting and a coffee, I still feel really popular.

(I still don’t know if AA is for me. Not because I don’t like it, I do. I just don’t like the reliance on God and the overuse of his almighty power in the program. Perhaps if I think of a “higher power” as something other than an all knowing God (maybe like the fat little Buddha man) then it will be more so for me. And please no hateful comments about me not believing in this almighty God (Grandma)).

So far I’ve learned that I am not alone in this struggle AND alcoholics are really fucking funny. Typically, the people who make up the masses at AA were the life of the party in their drinking days. And some of the shit they did when drinking is just insane. From ending up in jail, buying a one way ticket to Europe, peeing on police cars, stealing police cars — you name it, they done it. The meetings are never short of laughs. But, despite all these laughs about drunk times, most if not all of the stories end on a sad note with someone hitting their rock bottom, hence their attendance at AA.

I was talking to my dad today (who is 14 years sober himself) on my way to work and he asked how I was doing. I told him the truth: I feel great. I really do feel great about this decision (granted it’s Day 5 and I haven’t been put in a situation where I want to drink). But I do feel super confident that this decision is for the best and I’m feeling great (other than the fact that my animals are driving me fucking insane and I’m thinking about putting them all on craigslist under the free section). Back to my dad, I used to hate when I would ask him in the beginning stages of his recovery if he thought he would ever drink or do drugs again. He would always reply the same way, “not today.” UGH! It would frustrate the hell out of me. I just wanted him to fucking tell me “No Brittany, I’ll never drink or do drugs again. Ever.” But for him, it is literally one day at a time. As frustrated as I was with him saying that, I now find myself saying the same thing. Funny how that works. Or not funny at all.

In our conversation, my dad was also telling me that he is proud of me because I am so much like him and he doesn’t want to see me end up like him. I proceeded to tell him that since I am younger and at a stage in my life where I don’t own a home, don’t have any children and have far less to lose than he did, my rock bottom is quite different than his. I didn’t lose a family and a mortgage and a job before I sobered up. What he told me is everyone’s rock bottom is different. Every single person has a different rock bottom. And it doesn’t make anyone’s lesser than the other. Or better. Or more of a rock bottom. Damn it. He’s right. (He won’t read this because he’s not keen on the interwebs and technology so thank God he’ll never know that I said he was accurate).

But rock bottom. Rock bottom makes you quit drinking. Whatever your rock bottom is you don’t quit because of a drunk dial or text to an ex or even a Girls Gone Wild moment – you quit because of something bigger than that. Your own rock bottom. Whatever that may be. You quit because something about you being drunk scares the shit out of you. You quit because, as bad as it’s gotten, you know that it could and will only continue to get worse.

I may come across as nonchalant and funny from time to time (because I am funny) but this is truly a terrifying experience. Putting myself out there the way that I am and declaring sobriety is terrifying because, well, what if I fail? What if I can’t to do this? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know what the next week will bring. But what I do know is that bottle of craft beer is not gonna get drank.  Today.

“Life is about change, sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s beautiful but most of the time it’s both.”