Day 8

I have been immersing myself within meetings and I actually like them. I even — wait for it — am enjoying women’s meetings. Who the fuck am I?

A few topics have been brought up in meetings which have made me think “Holy fuck I am right where I am supposed to be” or “Jesus Christ are they reading my fucking mind?” I so badly wish I didn’t have such a potty mouth but I am not fucking perfect.

Anyways, the three topics on the top of my mind are:

1. Service

Now I just recently saw 50 Shades of Grey and so when the topic of being of service was brought up, my mind — which is always in the gutter — immediately went to that movie and being of service in the bedroom… I’ll stop now. Anyways, once I got my mind out of the gutter (briefly) I thought about service or being of service and what that means. Now, two things 1. I am really great at delegating tasks and 2. I am really great at having people be of service to me. Basically I am not great at being of service to others. However, that’s not the point. The point they were trying to make is that in being of service or helping others to maintain and/or achieve sobriety you are inadvertently helping yourself to be your best self. Your best sober self. My fellow alcoholics it’s as simple as ask not what your country (or fellow peers) can do for you, ask what you can do for your country (or fellow peers).

2. Honesty

This one definitely struck a cord. I recently had to get brutally honest with myself. In order to be honest with others you have to first and foremost be honest with yourself. No matter how shitty humbling it is. I was finally ready to be honest with myself and that is the most important thing so far for me in sobriety because it led me to finally admit that I had problem. Something I was seemingly avoiding or denying previously.

3. Fellowship

I think what I was missing so much in my previous stint with recovery was some sense of community. I would go to meetings sure but I didn’t really befriend anyone. I didn’t become part of a sober community and I definitely feel as though I had my guard up. Now I am taking a different stance and starting to do things with other sobers. Surrounding myself not only in the rooms but in my life with people who are so much like me has made me happier. And also not alone. I started to feel so alone and to isolate myself so much and it was hard for me to get my ass off the couch but now that I have I am grateful. I’m not going to like everyone (mainly because I’m still an asshole) but at least I am trying to be a part of something rather than to attempt to do it alone.

till we meet again….

stay sober my friends.

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Day 1

If this post can be summed up in one sentence it is: “Fuck, fuck, fuck but today is a new day.”

I would have been celebrating over 7 months of sobriety but truth be told I lasted 5 months was miserable and started abusing a substance other than alcohol. I was lying to myself that I was still sober and could claim sobriety because I wasn’t drinking. Wrong. So I’m back to square one. Day 1.

I have been talking about my reluctance with AA but it’s no surprise that as I started to get involved in the program I started to get real with myself and that resulted in me getting real with where I was at with sobriety. Or my lack thereof. I started to feel like a fraud especially as I immersed myself more within the program. So I came clean (insert funny pun about coming clean and being clean) to my partner and my sponsor and it was very humbling to say the least.

I always heard about people being dry drunks and I didn’t really know what that I meant. I truly do believe that the five months preceding my relapse I went through lots of highs and lows of being happy or sad and isolated and I came to a point where I was miserable. People in AA would say its because I wasn’t working my program. Truth is I didn’t have a program. I was trying to do it by myself and I failed. It sucks. It sucks mainly because like all other people struggling with addiction I am a control freak and the fact that I couldn’t control and keep a handle on my own sobriety pisses me the fuck off. Deep breath. Breathe.

I was yearning for change and I didn’t want this anymore. Despite still not being entirely sober I sought out AA a few weeks ago and found a sponsor. Instead of going into the meetings and hearing stories and saying “well I’m not that bad” I began to find similarities in shares. I feel like my attitude has changed in regards to sobriety. 7 months ago I was upset and I knew I needed a change I was just fighting it. Be sober? Forever? I’m going to be so boring. But as I look around in the meetings I go to I realize people struggling with addiction are fucking funny and people I would hang out with sober. I truly do believe I have a different mindset going into sobriety than when I did before. Mainly being that I am happy and willing to do what it takes to stay sober.

And so I admit it. Step 1 and done. And admitting this is hard. But I have finally admitted it and I am ready to move forward with sobriety and all the highs and lows that come with it. I’m ready to be honest. I’m ready to be honest with you. But most importantly I am ready to be honest with myself.

stay sober my friends.

215 Days

I have been a little off the grid lately in the blogosphere and its large due in part to the fact that I have been extremely lazy busy. I’ll open my computer to write but the TV or wall just looks so much more appealing to stare at.

I have been kind of isolating. Isolating away from people and isolating away from my own sobriety in a sense. Not that I have taken a drink but I just have not been actively involved in any sort of sober community — blog or otherwise. I have, however, been fully involved in watching movies and binge watching Scandal, House of Cards and The Walking Dead. Clearly I always have some sort of addiction. I will not, however, seek help for my binge watching.

But anyways, I also don’t have any sober friends to talk to — other than my animals who are great listeners but really shitty at giving advice — seeing as they don’t talk and all.

While I have attended and gone to AA meetings (and actually found that I really liked them) I stopped for a couple months. I don’t really know why other than the fact that I am again extremely lazy busy.

I have found myself struggling with sobriety as of late whatever the reason may be. Was I getting depressed or down? I don’t know, maybe. Was it because I wasn’t going to meetings? I don’t know.

During a beautiful day (mind you nearly everyday is beautiful here) I found my mouth watering as we passed a beach bar thinking about what I drank last when I was there (before I blacked out after the Del Mar races of course). An ice cold Ketel Soda sounded so damn good. The fuck? There was a time in my life where I only drank Ketel/Soda (I know I’m so cool) but for years beer has been my favorite so why the fuck does a Ketel sound good? Instead of continuing to debate as to why I’m craving one over the other I decided to surround myself with other sober people.

Now, you don’t typically find sober people out at bars and I didn’t feel like asking random people walking down the street if they are sober so the only place I could think to find other sober people is AA.

However, this time around instead of just going for a good laugh, some ‘a ha’ moments and to just be surrounded by like minded individuals my intent shifted to finding a sponsor and actually getting involved with the program and the steps. Maybe this way sobriety would be easier and I could make more friends and have more of a support system. I don’t know.

I have been doing this on my own and I haven’t wanted to drink but its been difficult regardless. It’s so easy to be in my own head and isolate and get irritable or annoyed for no apparent reason. AA to me has been like group therapy. Make a long story short — I met an amazing woman who is now my sponsor (and who works in my same building and goes to the same yoga studio as me). Fate? Fucking weird.

I am still not sold on whether or not AA is for me. I now have a sponsor and am starting to go through the steps but I just don’t know. The verdict is still out. On one hand I can identify a lot with some aspects of the book and alcoholism and alcoholic nature/personality but not all. I don’t know how sold I am on it. I do agree, yes, being surrounded by other alcoholics is nice (unless they are drinking then its probably a bad idea) because you have a common desire to stop drinking. But, honestly after reading some of the book I became even more skeptical about it. It could be because I’m an asshole and like to argue everything and get so heavily involved in the semantics and literal sense of things. It could also be that I am fighting it. (For example the fact that they call it an allergy I had trouble with. But if I say I am allergic to alcohol I wake up in Mexico then I can make the point that yes I have an allergy to it.)

But, regardless of how much of an asshole I am — I can honestly say that I am going into it with an open heart and gonna go through all 12 steps. Once done, I will reassess and see if this is the path I want to take. For now, Step 1 done (I am powerless over alcohol and the affect it has on me) and 11 more to go. Go me go!

stay sober my friends.

What are your thoughts on AA? What has worked for you?

160 days (6 months) of awesomeness (and sobriety).

Side note: As you may be aware due to the nature and title of this post in which I start with and celebrate 160 days of sobriety I did in fact survive NYE sans alcohol. Instead of alcohol my NYE consisted of dinner and a movie with the lady followed by an extremely competitive game of scrabble in which we realized one of us (not named Brittany) has been cheating at scrabble her whole life. We managed to stay up till 12 am to watch T. Swift ring in the New Year and then passed the fuck out (from old people tiredness not drunkeness). And lo and behold BAM! The next day we woke up with no hangover. It’s just amazing how that happens.

If you had told me 161 days ago that I wouldn’t consume a drink for the next 160 days I probably would have a. bought you a drink b. cheers’d you with my delicious craft beer and/or shot of fireball c. thought you were drunk or d. gotten drunk. Let’s be honest all of the above would have happened.

But regardless let’s just say I wouldn’t have believed you.

And yet, 161 days ago I was in fact not drunk but rather nursing the first day of what I believe to be the worst hangover of my life. During those 3 days of hangover hell Taco Bell was my best friend. Sleep was also there for me. Needless to say I haven’t touched an alcoholic beverage or Taco Bell since. (Please note: I fully plan on going back to Taco Bell).

But it’s not just the hangover or my actions that night that made me jump on the wagon but rather a recurring set of events that I, when intoxicated, exhibited. It wasn’t every time I drank but more than not I turned into a different person. Different being bad not good. And now I start singing 2 Chains song I’m different yeah I’m different.

That last or final straw (in which I found myself in Mexico and not home until 5:30 am all while my girlfriend was worried and I was wasted) was a sort of wake up call to the amount of damage I cause when I start and can’t stop drinking. It wasn’t the end all be all which caused me to stop drinking but rather the last straw in a series of drunken events which made me realize (my favorite word) “Fuck.”I realize this may not be a realization to you but Fuck is definitely a realization to me. Fuck I am almost 30 and I shouldn’t be drinking till the early morning hours, or driving drunk (you shouldn’t do that ever kids) or hungover at work. To be honest I should have gotten a DUI (or worse) by now but — by the grace of Buddha — I have made it through countless drunken nights unscathed. Regardless, the way in which I drank not only causes problems in my personal and professional life but just over all wasn’t constructive or contributing in anyway to my life’s goals and aspirations or to who I want to be. In actuality it was preventing me from the success (professionally, personally, physically (insert other adverbs that start with p)) in which I desire to have especially as I grow older.

Let’s now change topics because of my ADD. Ready? Go!

It’s crazy to me that since December 2013 (some of you may not know) I have quit smoking, quit eating meat (except fish) and then quit drinking (and most recently quit eating processed sugar (and artificial sweeteners) as part of a two week hiatus from it because my girlfriend told me to do it with her and I — being the amazing girlfriend that I am — agreed to do it. Please note: I started regretting it on Day 1 as I quickly realized I couldn’t have candy, donuts, cake and basically anything delicious. Oh and I couldn’t have my crack and crutch (Diet Sodas). I’ve been one cranky bitch.

If I give up anything else I may be considered Mother Teresa or Gandhi Jr. Or, more likely, may suffer some sort of mental and/or physical breakdown. Good thing I am only doing this sugar thing for two weeks because Buddha knows I love me some sweets.

Here’s to many more days of sobriety. One day at a motherfucking time.

stay sober my friends.

Hiking up Cowles Mountain with the brother and the buddy

hiking up Cowles Mountain with the brother and the buddy.

six months sober.

yup.

143 days…

Well … I survived my first work holiday party completely sober. It only took 6 Shirley Temples and 25 awkward conversations with co-workers. But lo and behold I survived the party and the next morning I wasn’t hung over. I repeat I wasn’t hung over after a work holiday party. I still can’t believe it myself.

As mentioned in my last post I have really been struggling with my own sobriety. As I was scouring the interwebs to read about others experiences with their first six months of sobriety I saw that an ex boyfriend of mine was online. (Yes you read that right I said boyfriend. I did used to date men but much like quitting alcohol I quit them too). Anyways, I reached out to him to chat about being sober as, when when we were dating years ago, he was in his first year of sobriety. He now has seven years of sobriety. Holy fuck.

Knowing what I know now in my own sobriety I feel so bad for him. I was 23 living in a new city and and was throwing back makers mark/diet cokes like they were going out of style. (Note: They did go out of style — since living in Santa Barbara I haven’t been able to touch brown liquor and I cringe just thinking about it). He was newly sober and going to meetings and in love with someone who was thrilled at the idea of having a designated designated driver and who didn’t give much thought to sobriety. I especially didn’t give any thought to his personal recovery and sobriety and how hard it must have been for him to go out to so many bars and be involved in so many things that revolved around drinking. Mainly because I was too busy drinking. Duh.

Anyways, I asked him how he maintained his sobriety (and continues to), if it is hard for him and if he ever early on in his sobriety felt down or the blues. (And probably 25 other questions as, if you know me, I always do.) Well they say misery loves company (like an alcoholic loves a drink) and so for me it was good to hear that he, too, had his bouts of being down and his troubles in maintaining sobriety in a society in which alcohol is so prevalent. How does he maintain sobriety? One day at a time. And meetings. He told me, especially in the beginning, lots of fucking meetings. (Lord only knows how he stayed sober when he was dating me as thinking about dating myself makes even me want to drink. A lot.)

To be honest I haven’t been going to meetings. I got my 60 day chip and haven’t been back since then.

Well, it has been 143 days (83 since I had gone to a meeting) and with Thanksgiving here and gone and the holidays quickly approaching (P.S. at first run through I put “fastly approaching” and then realized that “fastly” is not really a word and then I wondered how I ever graduated from college with a degree in English nonetheless) but anyways, I find myself in a bout of holiday blues. Or at least that’s what I am hoping it is.

Truth be told since I have gotten sober I have found myself down. This shit ain’t no walk in the mother fucking park for me. (I don’t even like to walk in the park.) Is it because before I would have a beer or two to take the load off and forget my problems? Perhaps.

I’ll break it down.

Month 1 1/2: down and didn’t want to seemingly leave the house. Maybe I was just embarrassed or not comfortable not drinking. Poor poor me pour me another drink. Thank god for delivery and Netflix.

Month 2 (end of) and Month 3 (all): I felt fucking great! I was like: I got this. This shit is easy.

I’m the King of the World!! Woo Hoo! However, shortly thereafter that high, much like Jack, my happy Titanic-sized-sober ship sank and that selfish bitch Rose pushed me off the plank of wood (that could very well have held both of us on it) and I again saw myself slowly plummeting into the depths of the dark cold abyss of the unforgiving sea … or rather a little bout of the blues. Did I mention in addition to having ADD I am kind of dramatic?

Month 4: I have had my share of ups and downs. I have put myself in situations in which lots of people say to avoid in early sobriety. Now everyone’s sobriety is different and some can do the same things they did while drinking while others cannot. For me personally, I have put myself in situations, especially as of late, in which alcohol would have been consumed. Now I’m not even counting family holidays like Thanksgiving, those dreaded work dinners or even my own birthday as situations they say to avoid, I’m talking Halloween parties, friends birthdays, a charity event at a wine bar, going out to bars with friends. Those are situations that I willingly put myself in knowing that it was going to be a struggle to not drink. I’ve come out the other end sober and not hung over. (So why do I still eat too much Mexican food and unhealthy food like I’m drunk and/or hungover?) That’ll be my next vice to give up.

These past two weeks I have, again, felt myself getting a little down. (It doesn’t help that I have had some major life changes occur, I’ll touch more on that in the right time and date.) So with that said, I think I am going to take the advice given to me and surround myself with people who are in the same struggle. With people who understand. I am going to go back to meetings and try to immerse myself within AA starting tonight. Maybe I’ll even start to meditate. I don’t know. I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.

stay sober my friends.

124 days…

I’m not really good at Math — even simple things like addition and subtraction (unless I can count on my fingers) and so in an attempt to count my days of sobriety (during a client call — have I mentioned I have ADD?) I have come to the mathematical conclusion (without counting on my fingers) that I have 124 days of sobriety. I will double check the number in a bit but regardless of whether or not it’s off a day or two — that’s a really fucking long time.

Since my last post I have gone to three other business dinners — one of which lasted 3 (mother fucking) hours and where I fatefully was placed next to the new SVP of Human Resources. Side note: If anyone knows me you know I am not politically correct and cuss like a sailor and say inappropriate things and what’s on my mind so for me to sit next to any executives let alone a HR executive is like Russian roulette. And I was the only one not drinking except for the pregnant lady (but I think even she was drinking). Anyways, in addition to those dinners I have gotten through Halloween, my birthday, awful Chargers games, 24 hours with my eight-year-old brother who is my mini-me and would drive anyone to drink, my grandparents 35th anniversary with the whole family and all other days ending in day — sans alcohol. Whew. That was a lot. I have impressed myself.

I also am getting back into working out. I supplemented my lack of alcohol with an increase in junk food, and sugar and spice and everything else that does not make my ass look nice but I am feeling good again and am ready to get that six pack back (ok fine so I’ve never had a six pack — other than a six pack of beer — but I would like to one day have one and one that doesn’t have Bud Light in it).

I haven’t been much to write as of late as to be honest work has been kicking my ass. Our company got acquired and is in the process of merging and I got a new client and I’m not really great at dealing with stress (without an ice cold brew) so I kind of have hibernated from everyone and everything (see its not you, its me; really). I hope to get back into writing but I don’t see any end in sight as far as work is concerned from now until the New Year and since I am on the interwebs and a computer all day it’s the last thing I want to do when I am off. I would much rather do other activities that enrich my life like watch the Kardashians, watch 16 and pregnant and feel better about life, watch sports and continue to make up dialogue between my animals. Again, its a glamorous life I lead.

But anyways….

I am still sober… and now a year older!

stay sober my friends.

Michael and I

60 + 7 days.

Haven’t killed anyone.

Haven’t had a mental breakdown.

Haven’t drank.

Still sober.

60 + days.

I did go get my 60 day chip. Its shiny and pretty and I like shiny things.

Life has been a little hectic hence my lack of posts. I have started about 5 new posts but my ADD has been …Look something shiny!

60 day chip

60 day chip

stay sober my friends.

Sobriety Doesn’t Define Me. Right?

I realize that this blog is about me getting sober and a documentation of the triumphs and trials of that process, however, I don’t want to be defined just as that one (smoking hot, smart, funny) sober lesbian. I am so much more than that. In addition to being that one (smoking hot, smart, funny) sober lesbian I also enjoy watching and playing sports, the beach, long walks on the beach, reading and candy. To be specific Mexican candy. I also love animals (my girlfriend and I have 3) and if it were up to me I would adopt every animal that needed a home. Maybe instead of seeing me on Intervention you’ll see me on Animal Hoarders! A girl can dream…

Anyways, I suppose that as more time passes this blog will be less about me getting sober and more about me living sober. Perhaps it will even talk about the wonderful adventures and things I do soberly (probably things I have done before but don’t remember because I wasn’t sober) and the healthy lifestyle I live. Perhaps I’ll run a marathon or become a Yogi or have 5 more animals. However, as of right now, I have quit drinking but also have quit going to the gym and eating healthy. I’m keeping those both on my to-do list but right now my top priority is not drinking (and blogging about it too). So the whole healthy living thing is, as of right now, on pause.

(Side note: Kate says healthy living doesn’t have to put on pause — obviously she’s worried I am going to get fat — but think of all the calories I’m not consuming by not drinking! However, the more I think about it, I guess if I consume more calories now in food, more than when I was drinking, it doesn’t really count as cutting back on calories. Shit. Look! A squirrel!)

But back to sobriety not defining me. I realize that as of right now since it’s all that I am writing about that it does seem to define me. I hope that eventually it will just be another part of who I am but not a defining characteristic. Being in a relationship with a woman does not define my character or even begin to tell the story of who I am. Not drinking is the same. To be honest, I don’t really know what defines me. I don’t think my sexual orientation, religion, or occupation begin to define me but if they don’t then what does? My beliefs? Morals? Values? I don’t know. It’s a tough question to ask one to define them self if you ask me. I do hope that in my sobriety I will peel off more layers of myself (perhaps ones previously masked by alcohol) and begin to unveil more and more of what constitutes me.

How do you define yourself? What defines you?

In other news unrelated to how I define myself, my dad and step-mom came into town again this past weekend and stole our house. We (very nicely) let them take our room and we crashed on the futon in the spare room. If my family is really good at one thing it is definitely being loud and obnoxious shortly thereafter followed by eating. We did not disappoint on either account. I literally gained five pounds. Literally. Kate claims IF I allegedly gained any weight it all went to my boobs but she has to say shit like that because she’s my girlfriend. Remind me to never ask her if anything makes me look fat.

Anyways we ate. And ate. And napped. And ate. And after that ate some more. After dinner and dessert with some more members of my family on Sunday Kate and I decided to be productive and take online quizzes at home. Very important life changing quizzes like: what rock band are you (Kate got The Beatles, I got The Rolling Stones), what is your spirit animal (Kate got an owl, I got a wolf) and what Disney couple are you (Aladdin and Jasmine).

However, the best one we took was “How Many Children Should You Have?” Kate went first and the highly technical test told her she should have…. a cat. I, on the other hand, got eleven. This answer caused Kate to begin reevaluating her life and verbalizing that reevaluation (in bed at 11:00 pm when I was trying to sleep) but I tried my best to convince her that an online quiz (one which asks you in depth questions like “what color do you prefer” etc.) probably isn’t the greatest indicator of how you should live your life. But, only time will tell if my spirit animal is truly a wolf and if Kate should truly just have a cat (although she has yet to clean out Ringo’s litter box so god help the poor cat she gets).

But in all seriousness Kate is such a trooper when it comes to my family. My family is overbearing and loud and in your face and very involved and tries to be even more involved and since I am an only child my parents are obsessed with me. My family as a whole is very much in each others business. Mind you Kate lives 2,000 miles away from her family and has for 5 years so this has to be a bit of an adjustment.

My dad made a joke about this:

What’s the difference between Outlaws and In-Laws?

Outlaws are wanted.

Ain’t that the truth.

38 days.

stay sober my friends.

 

Wang's in North Park

a family feast at Wang’s in North Park

Kate and Brittany

playing tourists down by the San Diego harbor