Day 8

I have been immersing myself within meetings and I actually like them. I even — wait for it — am enjoying women’s meetings. Who the fuck am I?

A few topics have been brought up in meetings which have made me think “Holy fuck I am right where I am supposed to be” or “Jesus Christ are they reading my fucking mind?” I so badly wish I didn’t have such a potty mouth but I am not fucking perfect.

Anyways, the three topics on the top of my mind are:

1. Service

Now I just recently saw 50 Shades of Grey and so when the topic of being of service was brought up, my mind — which is always in the gutter — immediately went to that movie and being of service in the bedroom… I’ll stop now. Anyways, once I got my mind out of the gutter (briefly) I thought about service or being of service and what that means. Now, two things 1. I am really great at delegating tasks and 2. I am really great at having people be of service to me. Basically I am not great at being of service to others. However, that’s not the point. The point they were trying to make is that in being of service or helping others to maintain and/or achieve sobriety you are inadvertently helping yourself to be your best self. Your best sober self. My fellow alcoholics it’s as simple as ask not what your country (or fellow peers) can do for you, ask what you can do for your country (or fellow peers).

2. Honesty

This one definitely struck a cord. I recently had to get brutally honest with myself. In order to be honest with others you have to first and foremost be honest with yourself. No matter how shitty humbling it is. I was finally ready to be honest with myself and that is the most important thing so far for me in sobriety because it led me to finally admit that I had problem. Something I was seemingly avoiding or denying previously.

3. Fellowship

I think what I was missing so much in my previous stint with recovery was some sense of community. I would go to meetings sure but I didn’t really befriend anyone. I didn’t become part of a sober community and I definitely feel as though I had my guard up. Now I am taking a different stance and starting to do things with other sobers. Surrounding myself not only in the rooms but in my life with people who are so much like me has made me happier. And also not alone. I started to feel so alone and to isolate myself so much and it was hard for me to get my ass off the couch but now that I have I am grateful. I’m not going to like everyone (mainly because I’m still an asshole) but at least I am trying to be a part of something rather than to attempt to do it alone.

till we meet again….

stay sober my friends.

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Day 1

If this post can be summed up in one sentence it is: “Fuck, fuck, fuck but today is a new day.”

I would have been celebrating over 7 months of sobriety but truth be told I lasted 5 months was miserable and started abusing a substance other than alcohol. I was lying to myself that I was still sober and could claim sobriety because I wasn’t drinking. Wrong. So I’m back to square one. Day 1.

I have been talking about my reluctance with AA but it’s no surprise that as I started to get involved in the program I started to get real with myself and that resulted in me getting real with where I was at with sobriety. Or my lack thereof. I started to feel like a fraud especially as I immersed myself more within the program. So I came clean (insert funny pun about coming clean and being clean) to my partner and my sponsor and it was very humbling to say the least.

I always heard about people being dry drunks and I didn’t really know what that I meant. I truly do believe that the five months preceding my relapse I went through lots of highs and lows of being happy or sad and isolated and I came to a point where I was miserable. People in AA would say its because I wasn’t working my program. Truth is I didn’t have a program. I was trying to do it by myself and I failed. It sucks. It sucks mainly because like all other people struggling with addiction I am a control freak and the fact that I couldn’t control and keep a handle on my own sobriety pisses me the fuck off. Deep breath. Breathe.

I was yearning for change and I didn’t want this anymore. Despite still not being entirely sober I sought out AA a few weeks ago and found a sponsor. Instead of going into the meetings and hearing stories and saying “well I’m not that bad” I began to find similarities in shares. I feel like my attitude has changed in regards to sobriety. 7 months ago I was upset and I knew I needed a change I was just fighting it. Be sober? Forever? I’m going to be so boring. But as I look around in the meetings I go to I realize people struggling with addiction are fucking funny and people I would hang out with sober. I truly do believe I have a different mindset going into sobriety than when I did before. Mainly being that I am happy and willing to do what it takes to stay sober.

And so I admit it. Step 1 and done. And admitting this is hard. But I have finally admitted it and I am ready to move forward with sobriety and all the highs and lows that come with it. I’m ready to be honest. I’m ready to be honest with you. But most importantly I am ready to be honest with myself.

stay sober my friends.

215 Days

I have been a little off the grid lately in the blogosphere and its large due in part to the fact that I have been extremely lazy busy. I’ll open my computer to write but the TV or wall just looks so much more appealing to stare at.

I have been kind of isolating. Isolating away from people and isolating away from my own sobriety in a sense. Not that I have taken a drink but I just have not been actively involved in any sort of sober community — blog or otherwise. I have, however, been fully involved in watching movies and binge watching Scandal, House of Cards and The Walking Dead. Clearly I always have some sort of addiction. I will not, however, seek help for my binge watching.

But anyways, I also don’t have any sober friends to talk to — other than my animals who are great listeners but really shitty at giving advice — seeing as they don’t talk and all.

While I have attended and gone to AA meetings (and actually found that I really liked them) I stopped for a couple months. I don’t really know why other than the fact that I am again extremely lazy busy.

I have found myself struggling with sobriety as of late whatever the reason may be. Was I getting depressed or down? I don’t know, maybe. Was it because I wasn’t going to meetings? I don’t know.

During a beautiful day (mind you nearly everyday is beautiful here) I found my mouth watering as we passed a beach bar thinking about what I drank last when I was there (before I blacked out after the Del Mar races of course). An ice cold Ketel Soda sounded so damn good. The fuck? There was a time in my life where I only drank Ketel/Soda (I know I’m so cool) but for years beer has been my favorite so why the fuck does a Ketel sound good? Instead of continuing to debate as to why I’m craving one over the other I decided to surround myself with other sober people.

Now, you don’t typically find sober people out at bars and I didn’t feel like asking random people walking down the street if they are sober so the only place I could think to find other sober people is AA.

However, this time around instead of just going for a good laugh, some ‘a ha’ moments and to just be surrounded by like minded individuals my intent shifted to finding a sponsor and actually getting involved with the program and the steps. Maybe this way sobriety would be easier and I could make more friends and have more of a support system. I don’t know.

I have been doing this on my own and I haven’t wanted to drink but its been difficult regardless. It’s so easy to be in my own head and isolate and get irritable or annoyed for no apparent reason. AA to me has been like group therapy. Make a long story short — I met an amazing woman who is now my sponsor (and who works in my same building and goes to the same yoga studio as me). Fate? Fucking weird.

I am still not sold on whether or not AA is for me. I now have a sponsor and am starting to go through the steps but I just don’t know. The verdict is still out. On one hand I can identify a lot with some aspects of the book and alcoholism and alcoholic nature/personality but not all. I don’t know how sold I am on it. I do agree, yes, being surrounded by other alcoholics is nice (unless they are drinking then its probably a bad idea) because you have a common desire to stop drinking. But, honestly after reading some of the book I became even more skeptical about it. It could be because I’m an asshole and like to argue everything and get so heavily involved in the semantics and literal sense of things. It could also be that I am fighting it. (For example the fact that they call it an allergy I had trouble with. But if I say I am allergic to alcohol I wake up in Mexico then I can make the point that yes I have an allergy to it.)

But, regardless of how much of an asshole I am — I can honestly say that I am going into it with an open heart and gonna go through all 12 steps. Once done, I will reassess and see if this is the path I want to take. For now, Step 1 done (I am powerless over alcohol and the affect it has on me) and 11 more to go. Go me go!

stay sober my friends.

What are your thoughts on AA? What has worked for you?

124 days…

I’m not really good at Math — even simple things like addition and subtraction (unless I can count on my fingers) and so in an attempt to count my days of sobriety (during a client call — have I mentioned I have ADD?) I have come to the mathematical conclusion (without counting on my fingers) that I have 124 days of sobriety. I will double check the number in a bit but regardless of whether or not it’s off a day or two — that’s a really fucking long time.

Since my last post I have gone to three other business dinners — one of which lasted 3 (mother fucking) hours and where I fatefully was placed next to the new SVP of Human Resources. Side note: If anyone knows me you know I am not politically correct and cuss like a sailor and say inappropriate things and what’s on my mind so for me to sit next to any executives let alone a HR executive is like Russian roulette. And I was the only one not drinking except for the pregnant lady (but I think even she was drinking). Anyways, in addition to those dinners I have gotten through Halloween, my birthday, awful Chargers games, 24 hours with my eight-year-old brother who is my mini-me and would drive anyone to drink, my grandparents 35th anniversary with the whole family and all other days ending in day — sans alcohol. Whew. That was a lot. I have impressed myself.

I also am getting back into working out. I supplemented my lack of alcohol with an increase in junk food, and sugar and spice and everything else that does not make my ass look nice but I am feeling good again and am ready to get that six pack back (ok fine so I’ve never had a six pack — other than a six pack of beer — but I would like to one day have one and one that doesn’t have Bud Light in it).

I haven’t been much to write as of late as to be honest work has been kicking my ass. Our company got acquired and is in the process of merging and I got a new client and I’m not really great at dealing with stress (without an ice cold brew) so I kind of have hibernated from everyone and everything (see its not you, its me; really). I hope to get back into writing but I don’t see any end in sight as far as work is concerned from now until the New Year and since I am on the interwebs and a computer all day it’s the last thing I want to do when I am off. I would much rather do other activities that enrich my life like watch the Kardashians, watch 16 and pregnant and feel better about life, watch sports and continue to make up dialogue between my animals. Again, its a glamorous life I lead.

But anyways….

I am still sober… and now a year older!

stay sober my friends.

Michael and I

Day 1

I’m sure we’ve all heard or seen “Girls Gone Wild” — the classy movies where drunk college girls show off their twins or do whatever other white girl wasted things college girls do when really intoxicated. While I never made it on one of those movies (although lets be honest I very well could have but they were fortunately never filming where I was drinking) I have been there, done that, been so white girl wasted, and then some. And except for a million stories that should be on the Discovery Channel show “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” nothing good — for me — has ever come of it. So I have decided to quit drinking and start a new series “Girls Gone Sober.” And while I haven’t come up with the premise behind the show all I know is that it starts with me — getting sober.

****I thought I was so clever about this tag line “Girls Gone Sober” however, upon further research I realize I am not the only brilliant person out there — others, too, have coined this slogan. (Damn it).

So here I am on Day 1. Well, technically it’s day 2 of being sober but I was so hungover yesterday that I couldn’t even move and when I did it was only to Taco Bell. One bean and cheese burrito and one quesadilla later my body was yet again pissed off at me. First my liver hated me when I drank what seemed to be an entire bar the night before and then the next day still hungover at 7 PM I go and eat Taco Bell. I mean shit, I live in San Diego I couldn’t have even eaten good Mexican food? Regardless, today is a new day and I have to learn from my mistakes (and never eat Taco Bell again).

I have made the decision to get sober. It’s been a long time coming. I have tried to have a healthy relationship with alcohol and tried to be normal but for me 100 drinks is not enough and one is too many. I went to my first AA meeting today and plan on going to another tonight. While I do not know yet if AA is the path for me I do know that it is exactly what I needed today: to be surrounded by a group of people who, like me, have a desire to not drink again.

Different stories. Different pasts. Different stages of life. But beyond all these differences there is one commonality that joins us all — we all don’t want to drink.

Sobriety probably will be one of the hardest decisions of my life and yet also one of the best. I don’t expect anyone to understand but I know that if they truly care about me they will respect my decision. I’m not gonna sit here and preach to you that you shouldn’t drink cause alcohol is the devil etc etc because not everyone is like me. So many can have a normal relationship with it. Believe me I wish I could be normal and have a normal relationship with alcohol, homie just don’t play that.

Why get sober? For so long I was like guuuurrl I ain’t got no problem. I don’t drink everyday. I don’t have withdrawals if I don’t drink. I’m not one of those alcoholics on intervention drinking hand sanitizer cause there’s some sort of alcohol in it. I’m gooooood. But what I have realized is that I don’t have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. My problem is that once I start I can’t stop. Alcohol — for me — is not a good idea. I drink a beer and then another and then another and another and well you get the idea. My brain doesn’t function right — I drink until drunk. It’s all or nothing. I can’t just have a drink or two and be done. I have to keep going. It just doesn’t have the same effect on me as it may others.

It’s like I’m allergic to it. What is this allergic reaction? Well I end up in random places at random times with random people. As fun as that may sound and as many “great” stories as I have that start with “so I ordered shots of fireball” or “so I was drinking” the ones that make everyone else laugh and illicit the response “oh brittany” — in the process I hurt the ones I care about the most. From ending up in Mexico, car accidents, strip clubs, damaging my car, waking up next to strangers, driving drunk with people I love in my car, pushing people away, losing jobs, a concussion and most recently hurting the woman I care about the most — it doesn’t take a genius to realize that I should probably just fucking stop.

I’m not sad about it. It’s not going to change who I am. I will be exactly the same person. I’ll still talk shit and be a little shit — I just no longer will worry my friends and family. I’ll no longer put myself or others in danger. I’ll no longer wake up dehydrated with a pounding headache and wondering what the hell happened. And I will no longer eat Taco Bell. (Lies I’ll for sure have another bean and cheese burrito from that magical place). Oh, and I will no longer drunk dial my grandma who I’m sure is so thrilled about this. Love you Grandma. My poor Grandma.

I want to hold myself accountable and share my story hence the blog. I am very private at times but I thought I’d be public with this because I know that I am not alone in battling with it. I may fail but I hope I succeed and am committed to my success. But as with all things – only time will tell.

And on a final note: yolo.