If this post can be summed up in one sentence it is: “Fuck, fuck, fuck but today is a new day.”
I would have been celebrating over 7 months of sobriety but truth be told I lasted 5 months was miserable and started abusing a substance other than alcohol. I was lying to myself that I was still sober and could claim sobriety because I wasn’t drinking. Wrong. So I’m back to square one. Day 1.
I have been talking about my reluctance with AA but it’s no surprise that as I started to get involved in the program I started to get real with myself and that resulted in me getting real with where I was at with sobriety. Or my lack thereof. I started to feel like a fraud especially as I immersed myself more within the program. So I came clean (insert funny pun about coming clean and being clean) to my partner and my sponsor and it was very humbling to say the least.
I always heard about people being dry drunks and I didn’t really know what that I meant. I truly do believe that the five months preceding my relapse I went through lots of highs and lows of being happy or sad and isolated and I came to a point where I was miserable. People in AA would say its because I wasn’t working my program. Truth is I didn’t have a program. I was trying to do it by myself and I failed. It sucks. It sucks mainly because like all other people struggling with addiction I am a control freak and the fact that I couldn’t control and keep a handle on my own sobriety pisses me the fuck off. Deep breath. Breathe.
I was yearning for change and I didn’t want this anymore. Despite still not being entirely sober I sought out AA a few weeks ago and found a sponsor. Instead of going into the meetings and hearing stories and saying “well I’m not that bad” I began to find similarities in shares. I feel like my attitude has changed in regards to sobriety. 7 months ago I was upset and I knew I needed a change I was just fighting it. Be sober? Forever? I’m going to be so boring. But as I look around in the meetings I go to I realize people struggling with addiction are fucking funny and people I would hang out with sober. I truly do believe I have a different mindset going into sobriety than when I did before. Mainly being that I am happy and willing to do what it takes to stay sober.
And so I admit it. Step 1 and done. And admitting this is hard. But I have finally admitted it and I am ready to move forward with sobriety and all the highs and lows that come with it. I’m ready to be honest. I’m ready to be honest with you. But most importantly I am ready to be honest with myself.
stay sober my friends.