Day 1

If this post can be summed up in one sentence it is: “Fuck, fuck, fuck but today is a new day.”

I would have been celebrating over 7 months of sobriety but truth be told I lasted 5 months was miserable and started abusing a substance other than alcohol. I was lying to myself that I was still sober and could claim sobriety because I wasn’t drinking. Wrong. So I’m back to square one. Day 1.

I have been talking about my reluctance with AA but it’s no surprise that as I started to get involved in the program I started to get real with myself and that resulted in me getting real with where I was at with sobriety. Or my lack thereof. I started to feel like a fraud especially as I immersed myself more within the program. So I came clean (insert funny pun about coming clean and being clean) to my partner and my sponsor and it was very humbling to say the least.

I always heard about people being dry drunks and I didn’t really know what that I meant. I truly do believe that the five months preceding my relapse I went through lots of highs and lows of being happy or sad and isolated and I came to a point where I was miserable. People in AA would say its because I wasn’t working my program. Truth is I didn’t have a program. I was trying to do it by myself and I failed. It sucks. It sucks mainly because like all other people struggling with addiction I am a control freak and the fact that I couldn’t control and keep a handle on my own sobriety pisses me the fuck off. Deep breath. Breathe.

I was yearning for change and I didn’t want this anymore. Despite still not being entirely sober I sought out AA a few weeks ago and found a sponsor. Instead of going into the meetings and hearing stories and saying “well I’m not that bad” I began to find similarities in shares. I feel like my attitude has changed in regards to sobriety. 7 months ago I was upset and I knew I needed a change I was just fighting it. Be sober? Forever? I’m going to be so boring. But as I look around in the meetings I go to I realize people struggling with addiction are fucking funny and people I would hang out with sober. I truly do believe I have a different mindset going into sobriety than when I did before. Mainly being that I am happy and willing to do what it takes to stay sober.

And so I admit it. Step 1 and done. And admitting this is hard. But I have finally admitted it and I am ready to move forward with sobriety and all the highs and lows that come with it. I’m ready to be honest. I’m ready to be honest with you. But most importantly I am ready to be honest with myself.

stay sober my friends.

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10 thoughts on “Day 1

  1. Good for you, being honest with yourself. I was in a very passionate (yet destructive) relationship for 4 out of my 5 months sober. Now I’m thinking that being in something equally as insane as drinking is not really being sober either. It’s just another way to escape…rather than sitting with the discomfort. A lot of my childhood trauma came to the surface once I quit drinking and man, it is painful as crap to sit with it and be sober! I had a slip (Feb. 14th) because of the last big blow up with this guy…so I thought, “Oh great, 5 month sober down the drain.” But now, being honest with myself, I really don’t think I was sober since I chose to stay in the insanity. I’m at Day 11 (once again) and mentally prepping to trudge the stormy waters ahead! Good luck to you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks very much for sharing. My own experience initially with AA was that I did not want to hang out with a bunch of Jesus Freaks. But six months later, I got beyond those prejudices. For me that decision was one of real desperation for some solution to the insanity in my head and body, coupled with folks that were sober in AA seemed to have their acts together in ways that I could only dream of. For example, during my first go round in college I accumulated a whopping 0.7 GPA – when I went back sober 15 years later, I ended with graduate degrees and will retire next year from a university professor job.

    So yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend about what I was going to do next – I have plans to spend 3 months or so each year in Peru working and hanging out indefinitely. The person asked if I intended to go back to Turkey to visit, and I said I was not certain, that I also had a lot of possibilities for activities in both Louisiana and Mississippi. We then talked about when it would stop raining/snowing and warm up enough so that we could go back to our 25 mile couple times per week road biking, along with my own mountain biking, and hanging out with my wife at her new storefront . . . you get the idea. The future is anything but boring and depressing. And to think that 35 years ago when I was still using, I could not even get my ass out of bed!

    I am incredibly blessed and owe it all to walking into that 405 Oak St. AA Clubhouse in Cincinnati Ohio back in 1984.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I love this, Brittany. I really do. It is probably the most honest and open you have been. And I don’t mean to say that your other posts were fraudulent or misleading. But I can sense even through the screen here that you are being truly real. While there are highs and lows in early recovery, everything isn’t always super-fun and super-cool and I never feel like having a drink ever. That certainly wasn’t my experience. It can be hard. Very hard at times.

    Kudos for you getting here. I admire that you saw where you were at, got brutally honest with yourself (and others!) and sought the help you feel you need. I sometimes wonder about those who go on this on their own…it’s very difficult. Very. The one thing that really helps me is having men and women in my life (in real life mostly) who I know and can talk to at any time and I can lean on and can be ruthlessly honest with about where I am at. I couldn’t do this with others. My HP certainly keeps me sober, and He works through others. Like you doing this now. This really helps me, if you can believe that.

    Anyway, I am so very happy for you and I am very excited you got a sponsor. IT’s going to be challenging at times, but with your mindset and willingness and honesty…you’re in for a wonderful life ahead. You are worth it πŸ™‚

    Paul

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Little late to reading through your blog, but enjoying it nonetheless! I too, have become addicted to binge-watching TV shows during sobriety, although I haven’t got a chance to check out Walking Dead yet. It’s certainly on the watchlist though!

    Hope you’re doing well and look forward to future posts :).

    Like

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