215 Days

I have been a little off the grid lately in the blogosphere and its large due in part to the fact that I have been extremely lazy busy. I’ll open my computer to write but the TV or wall just looks so much more appealing to stare at.

I have been kind of isolating. Isolating away from people and isolating away from my own sobriety in a sense. Not that I have taken a drink but I just have not been actively involved in any sort of sober community — blog or otherwise. I have, however, been fully involved in watching movies and binge watching Scandal, House of Cards and The Walking Dead. Clearly I always have some sort of addiction. I will not, however, seek help for my binge watching.

But anyways, I also don’t have any sober friends to talk to — other than my animals who are great listeners but really shitty at giving advice — seeing as they don’t talk and all.

While I have attended and gone to AA meetings (and actually found that I really liked them) I stopped for a couple months. I don’t really know why other than the fact that I am again extremely lazy busy.

I have found myself struggling with sobriety as of late whatever the reason may be. Was I getting depressed or down? I don’t know, maybe. Was it because I wasn’t going to meetings? I don’t know.

During a beautiful day (mind you nearly everyday is beautiful here) I found my mouth watering as we passed a beach bar thinking about what I drank last when I was there (before I blacked out after the Del Mar races of course). An ice cold Ketel Soda sounded so damn good. The fuck? There was a time in my life where I only drank Ketel/Soda (I know I’m so cool) but for years beer has been my favorite so why the fuck does a Ketel sound good? Instead of continuing to debate as to why I’m craving one over the other I decided to surround myself with other sober people.

Now, you don’t typically find sober people out at bars and I didn’t feel like asking random people walking down the street if they are sober so the only place I could think to find other sober people is AA.

However, this time around instead of just going for a good laugh, some ‘a ha’ moments and to just be surrounded by like minded individuals my intent shifted to finding a sponsor and actually getting involved with the program and the steps. Maybe this way sobriety would be easier and I could make more friends and have more of a support system. I don’t know.

I have been doing this on my own and I haven’t wanted to drink but its been difficult regardless. It’s so easy to be in my own head and isolate and get irritable or annoyed for no apparent reason. AA to me has been like group therapy. Make a long story short — I met an amazing woman who is now my sponsor (and who works in my same building and goes to the same yoga studio as me). Fate? Fucking weird.

I am still not sold on whether or not AA is for me. I now have a sponsor and am starting to go through the steps but I just don’t know. The verdict is still out. On one hand I can identify a lot with some aspects of the book and alcoholism and alcoholic nature/personality but not all. I don’t know how sold I am on it. I do agree, yes, being surrounded by other alcoholics is nice (unless they are drinking then its probably a bad idea) because you have a common desire to stop drinking. But, honestly after reading some of the book I became even more skeptical about it. It could be because I’m an asshole and like to argue everything and get so heavily involved in the semantics and literal sense of things. It could also be that I am fighting it. (For example the fact that they call it an allergy I had trouble with. But if I say I am allergic to alcohol I wake up in Mexico then I can make the point that yes I have an allergy to it.)

But, regardless of how much of an asshole I am — I can honestly say that I am going into it with an open heart and gonna go through all 12 steps. Once done, I will reassess and see if this is the path I want to take. For now, Step 1 done (I am powerless over alcohol and the affect it has on me) and 11 more to go. Go me go!

stay sober my friends.

What are your thoughts on AA? What has worked for you?

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “215 Days

  1. Best thing I know is the line of take what you like and leave the rest re AA – and by like, for me, I mean what works. I pretty much have a love/hate, hot/cold, on/off relationship with AA, psychoanalysis, church, binge TV watching (Transparent is the latest), etc. etc. – which always brings me back to the “what works” thing. If I am am fulfilled/happy/meaningful etc. etc. as I want to be, then I continue along that path. If something is not right or there is a hole that needs to be filled, then I go down a different road – always being mindful that my sobriety is intact.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Brittany. Three things:
    1. Love your blog, your writing, your tone. Love it.
    2. When I saw the headline of this post I thought, “215 DAYS! So Jealous!”
    3. Your approach to AA sounds like my approach to AA. And you’re ahead of me on this sobriety path, so thank you in advance for future updates.
    Hugs,
    ew

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just a thought, hope it doesn’t sound too woo-woo. A little bell went off in my head as I read what you wrote about your vodka/soda craving, a drink you enjoyed way, way back when. I think sometimes as years pass and life chapters close permanently, we miss the person we were then. The light-hearted, life of the party, invoking side-splitting laughter with friends or family members that have since fallen off the radar. There were confidences shared, bonds made, and always, always the feeling of deep, deep connection. Maybe it isn’t so much the drink you crave but the memory of how you felt; anxiety-free, and a happy-go-lucky free spirit. It’s funny how memories link parts of us with songs, smells, objects, sounds, and of course, our favorite drink at the time. Cravings are so tricky.

    The discoveries you are making about yourself are so important. Learning to silence the anxiety with skills instead of alcohol will change the trajectory of your life. And what may feel like isolation now could simply be your way of restoring your energy for the road ahead. Good stuff. Great blog, so proud of you!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Fake it til you make it…. There’s an AA slogan for you…. I can only speak for myself, but without AA, specifically the women, I have met, I don’t think I would be sober today. I am fortunate to live in Cleveland ohio, the birthplace of AA…I have sooooo many resources at.my.disposal. I may not of been as successful had I been living elsewhere…..
    I truly believe that the 12 steps are a foundation for healthy living, alcoholic or.not…. Give it a shot, which it sounds like you are, take what has meaning for you, leave the rest.
    Take care!
    Katie
    PS…I totally get the bing watching… Netflix had become my BFF;)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi! You are 110 days ahead of me and I so relate to everything you said in this post. I am also isolating. I have been avoiding AA for so many reasons, but realize I probably can’t do this alone forever. Thanks for writing, somehow I always find exactly what I needed to see from one of the wonderful fellow sober bloggers out there. Hang in there and please keep writing!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Congrats on your victory so far! I can understand feeling like not all of it applies to you – and not all of it will, really. But I especially enjoy group therapy, being together with a group who have something in common to discuss together. Stay strong!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s