149 days….

In taking my ex’s advice — about going to AA meetings — I found myself in my usual AA meeting which consists of 20 + gay men and then me. “It’s Brittany bitch” was said about 100 times and I loved every second of it. It was definitely a breath of fresh air to see familiar faces who share the same struggle and to be surrounded by people who are united by a common desire to stay sober.

In that meeting, sadly, when asked if anyone would like to come up and take a 24 hour chip a friend of mine who had 5+ years of sobriety walked up and grabbed one. I was super bummed for him and to be honest, I was shocked. Bringing it back to me because what do alcoholics love to talk about? Themselves. And seeing as I was an only child for 20 years clearly it’s all about me… I feel like I have been putting so much pressure on myself to maintain my sobriety and that in itself stresses me out (and makes me want to fucking drink). In seeing him walk up I thought, here I am on 5 months struggling with not only my own expectations but also others expectations of my sobriety and after 5 years of sobriety he goes up and grabs a 24 hour chip? It had to have been very humbling for him and while I was sad to see him grab that chip, I was also mesmerized by the strength in which it took him to go up and admit that he had fallen after five years.

The thing that made me feel amazing and so overwhelmed with happiness out of all of this is that not one person there shook their heads, batted an eye or judged him. Open arms welcomed him back into sobriety. Smiles, hugs and ass grabs were aplenty. And, although sad, it was truly an awe inspiring experience to see that much acceptance in one room.

I am truly happy that I went as I realized (and am realizing) that this is such a personal journey and to be honest this meeting relieved a lot of internal pressure in which I was placing on myself. You can’t do this for anyone else but you and you can’t try to live up to others expectations of how you should conduct yourself in your own sobriety. You have to do it for you and on your terms. And guess what? If you fuck up, fuck it. Shit happens. Who cares what other people may say or think because ultimately it’s not about them. It’s about you wanting to be the best version of you.

Leave it to a bunch of gay alcoholics and drug addicts to make me feel so at peace and at home.

stay sober my friends.


3 thoughts on “149 days….

  1. I have seen many guys and gals with much more sobriety time than me go up for their 24 hr chip. It’s not about length of time, but quality of time. It’s a painful reminder that my alcoholism is in remission – it can flare up at any time if I get complacent or cocky. But that’s alcoholism – cunning, baffling, powerful…and patient.

    Great post – thank you for sharing 🙂


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post. The quality of being mesmerized caught my attention-mesmerization is so contagious. The thing about it is that it triggers a deep resonance within you. In this case it seems that the resonance is one of you finding the humility and the strength. I would simply ask you where you notice both of those qualities in your life? Spend some time there. Some real quality time. Mesmerization is a moment of engagement with the mystical spirit in each of us. That spirit is so far above the mundane routines of anesthesia; be they drinking, drugs or any other addiction,, that it is hard to access those basic urges in moments of rapt attention. Find those moments, chase them, and savor them. Humble strength and strong humility – it doesn’t get better than that, which we know as heroic. Be your own hero.
    Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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