Warning: I am not funny in this post and I only say ‘fuck’ like once or twice. You have been warned.
One day at a time.
Honestly, I have contemplated and have been contemplating whether or not I will drink in the future. I feel like I would be letting a lot of people down if I did drink and people would judge me but ultimately this is my journey and my life and I can’t live it according to anyone or other people’s perceptions.
I know that alcohol hasn’t brought me and doesn’t with it bring happiness. It’s brought more headaches (literally) than it has laughs. I know that there is so much more to life beyond alcohol. My personal journey in sobriety is a testament to that. I have not been hungover once (except maybe food hangovers) and have actually enjoyed the days, nights and activities in which alcohol was so prominent before.
Most of the time, for me, drinking is some sort of escape to forget about life’s pressures, anxieties, fears, uncertainties etc. It’s a way to let loose. But why can’t I have fun, forget and let loose without it? I am learning I can. Even knowing that for the most part drinking is some sort of escape doesn’t make it less hard to not partake in drinking whether it’s in celebration or sorrow. At times I find myself so badly wishing I was able to have a beer or two with friends, have a drink at party, and have champagne to toast. I find myself so badly wanting to find some sort of moderation that others seem to have – but I just know that I am not there yet.
It doesn’t make it any easier that alcohol is everywhere. Everywhere. And the association with it is everywhere as well. If I think of it as forever it becomes a little overwhelming so I literally have to take it one day at a time and those days have added up to 136. I know I want to be sober now, today, and I know I won’t drink, today. I have been thrown some pretty tough situations in my first (almost) 5 months of sobriety (work dinners, parties, holidays, weddings…). But the more I think about it the more I realize this is just fucking life. Holidays, weddings, parties, work, birthdays, and celebrations – they will always occur. There will always be an excuse to drink or an association with alcohol for me in those situations. I guess what I’m trying to say is that whether or not I decide to drink, those situations will continue to occur. Those situations are just an excuse (for me) to drink.
I find myself having ADD even more so than before. At parties or whatever I can’t sit still. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a drink in my hand. Or I’m not comfortable not having a drink in my hand? I suffer from anxiety and bouts of depression and I’m hoping to peel some of the layers that alcohol has seemingly been a band aid for to determine the underlying cause and hopefully fix it. It’s hard when your go to (alcohol) is no longer there and you are stuck in a room with just yourself and your doubts and fears and worries and there is no escape (alcohol) or means to cope or a buffer. You are forced to think. To be present. To deal. It’s scary and it’s hard. We weren’t given a guide to life and this shit ain’t easy. I’m hoping to find a way of coping and dealing with my own anxieties and fears and doubts that doesn’t involve the consumption of alcohol. So far, I have been able to do so.
I know that I am not alone in this struggle and I truly commend those that have been sober, are trying to get sober, and are sober. It’s not easy to eliminate the one thing that many, if not most people, go to for everything. Think of a time when alcohol was not present to celebrate an achievement. To celebrate a holiday. To celebrate a birthday. To celebrate a union. Think of a time when alcohol was not present to help congratulate someone. To reward yourself or someone for a job well done. To help ease your mind after a hard day of work. To comfort someone in a time of loss or sadness.
It’s not easy to maintain sobriety in a society that seemingly relies on alcohol for every emotion.
I would like to welcome anyone (alcoholic or not) to have a sober December.
stay sober my friends.